Rice’s day at the hospital

After arrival at 6am I find my room and wait a few minutes.

The nurse tells me to take off my clothes, im not sure about this; I suggest we get to know each other first, maybe some dinner. No dice.

Next im lying in bed in my assless gown, a pair of nurses wheel me to the operating floor, they crash into everything on the way. I take the time to stick my hands in front of me as the bed careens sideways; I look towards the direction of travel, pump my right foot on the ‘accelerator’ and give them a nice screeching noise while announcing “Bedo Drifto !!!!”.

The nurses are not pleased with my antics.

In the preparation room the anaesthesiologist appears and wants to drug me, schweet.
Again I tell the dude to inject it to my hand to make his day easier; he says “whatever” and does the usual doctor thing of trying to rape my arm.

While he digs around for candy in my arm, a nurse tries to distract me with questions.

Nurse: How are you doing?
Rice: Fuc…Fuc…Fine…How…Are..You…?
Nurse: Oh good. Have you eaten anything today?
Rice: You want to do this later? Im kind of in the middle of something.
Nurse: I trying to take your mind off the needle.
Man: Dammit, your skin is too think, your too fat.
Rice: What the fu-……you say……ZzzzzZZzzzZZZZZ.

2 Hours Later.

I wake up and Cookie is sitting next to my bed, I look at her, she looks and me and I collapse onto my pillow again.

2 Hours Later.

I wake up and Cookie is sitting next to me. Time to check out the damage.
Those damn nurses decided to shave my stomach; they didn’t even do a good job, I have some stiches across my diaphragm, some stiches inside my belly button and various holes that my or may not have been necessary. Im a piñata.

I sit there with Cookie, drinking water and chatting. The spider sense is tingling, I need to pee. I ask the nurse if she could take the IV out of my arm, she refuses.

I ask her what’s in the IV, she says it hydrating me. Confused looks all round as I tell her the reason I need to pee is because ive been drinking this giant jug of water, Im plenty hydrated.

However, it’s when I go to the bathroom that the real shock appears, I get up in my assless gown and clang, something hits the floor. It’s a bottle full of blood.

The bottle is connected by a tube going inside my stomach, INSIDE!!!. There also appears to be a little green wire hanging out. I am now the bionic man.

So I stroll around the hospital like a pimp and with his hoe.

I have to stay overnight at the hospital because the doctor is too lazy to see me, the screaming and mental anguish of other patients keeps me awake.
“Halp me, Halp me”, they scream. I didn’t think I was in the mental ward but who knows.

The guy in the bed next to me asks for cotton buds to shove into his ears, I think I snore too loud.

The next morning my bottle of blood is removed. The nurse tells me to hold my breath, I find this a good idea as she rips the blood tube out of my stomach cavity.
The feeling is the opposite of being stabbed. Im very glad the nurse told me to hold my breath because I know if I didn’t that there would have been a slew of curses coming from my mouth.

This surgery was to remove my gall stones, the rocks are finally out and now I can eat cheese without worry.

Lesson learned: B.Y.O Cotton buds