Open Letter to ‘The Man’

An open letter to Telstra, all your base are belong to shareholders.

On June 15th 2007 I was moved from Bigpond Legacy platform to the new Moby platform, everything went seemingly well, my usage was reset and I could now download 12GB a month (yes I enjoy paying $70 a month for the scraps of the internet)

However the days leading up to the change my connecting would drop out every 2hrs and the problem was seemingly fixed after the migration, but now the problem has appeared again along with a host of new issues.

The contract states that after I hit my usage limit that I will be capped to 64kbps, that’s all well and good, however (I think I will be using this word a lot), on legacy the 6KBps I was getting was acceptable, usable and downright bearable. On Moby I get 3KBps, I can’t surf the web, I can’t even download my email.

Speaking of mail and the new homepage, its takes me 3mins to load the www.bigpond.com home page, haven’t you ever heard of the word ‘Simple’, i cant even use the 'Contact' link to email this to you, yet (maybe in 6 months when you fix it). I tried using webmail to delete some large files that couldn’t get through the narrow capped internet tubes, However (see what I mean) webmail doesn’t work, every click leads to a system error on the page, my inbox is now 55% of 20MB and its only been 3 days, im waiting for my inbox to fill to the brim and spill its lovely crap juices all over the internet.

Now, let me explain who I am, I was an under appreciated and over worked phone monkey for Bigpond once upon a time, certain over paid seniors used to come to ME and the team I was in for help. So don’t think that for some reason I am some retired user who doesn’t know a mouse from a potato and spends his free time writing letters to the editor. I am a computer technician, I fix my own problems, except when Telstra turns a multibillion dollar infrastructure into quivering virgin’s panties. Blood stains included.

You can say Im a little biased.

At the moment Australia is one of the only countries with usage limits or ‘caps’, why? Because our infrastructure can’t handle all the users on the network, a few years ago there was 1 month where every Bigpond user had no limits; these users brought the internet infrastructure to its knees. Other non-Bigpond users couldn’t even get to Google because of this. Thus showing that the internet tubes in Australia were designed by Nikolai Tesla and implemented by the 3 stooges, yuk yuk, yuk yuk.

However (3rd time mofos) Telstra over charges for their internet services, the only reason im on Bigpond Cable is because I wanted Cable, ADSL2 had not matured yet and I regret not being more patient. Telstra records profits of Billions of dollars a year, what do you spend it on? Trips to Thailand, I hear those lady-boys are nice. Is the money spent on pleasing the share holders, I know I didn’t get paid that well, so that money didn’t go to me, you don’t pay your contractors well, so the money doesn’t go to them, The skid marked infrastructure is leased to other ISPs, so where does all the money go? Are you building a Deathstar?

In conclusion, I like to say that when my contract is up I am moving on, not that a faceless monster of a company cares, hell you never cared about your employees why should 1 unsatisfied user matter. However (4th wind mofos) the more people you piss off the more its going to hurt you later, Who knows, its quite possible that in the near future I become the manager of infrastructure at a very large company and ill say, “Lets go DoDo, cant be any worse than Telstra”

P.S Don’t bother emailing me back, I can’t receive email, remember?

Rice’s day at the hospital

After arrival at 6am I find my room and wait a few minutes.

The nurse tells me to take off my clothes, im not sure about this; I suggest we get to know each other first, maybe some dinner. No dice.

Next im lying in bed in my assless gown, a pair of nurses wheel me to the operating floor, they crash into everything on the way. I take the time to stick my hands in front of me as the bed careens sideways; I look towards the direction of travel, pump my right foot on the ‘accelerator’ and give them a nice screeching noise while announcing “Bedo Drifto !!!!”.

The nurses are not pleased with my antics.

In the preparation room the anaesthesiologist appears and wants to drug me, schweet.
Again I tell the dude to inject it to my hand to make his day easier; he says “whatever” and does the usual doctor thing of trying to rape my arm.

While he digs around for candy in my arm, a nurse tries to distract me with questions.

Nurse: How are you doing?
Rice: Fuc…Fuc…Fine…How…Are..You…?
Nurse: Oh good. Have you eaten anything today?
Rice: You want to do this later? Im kind of in the middle of something.
Nurse: I trying to take your mind off the needle.
Man: Dammit, your skin is too think, your too fat.
Rice: What the fu-……you say……ZzzzzZZzzzZZZZZ.

2 Hours Later.

I wake up and Cookie is sitting next to my bed, I look at her, she looks and me and I collapse onto my pillow again.

2 Hours Later.

I wake up and Cookie is sitting next to me. Time to check out the damage.
Those damn nurses decided to shave my stomach; they didn’t even do a good job, I have some stiches across my diaphragm, some stiches inside my belly button and various holes that my or may not have been necessary. Im a piñata.

I sit there with Cookie, drinking water and chatting. The spider sense is tingling, I need to pee. I ask the nurse if she could take the IV out of my arm, she refuses.

I ask her what’s in the IV, she says it hydrating me. Confused looks all round as I tell her the reason I need to pee is because ive been drinking this giant jug of water, Im plenty hydrated.

However, it’s when I go to the bathroom that the real shock appears, I get up in my assless gown and clang, something hits the floor. It’s a bottle full of blood.

The bottle is connected by a tube going inside my stomach, INSIDE!!!. There also appears to be a little green wire hanging out. I am now the bionic man.

So I stroll around the hospital like a pimp and with his hoe.

I have to stay overnight at the hospital because the doctor is too lazy to see me, the screaming and mental anguish of other patients keeps me awake.
“Halp me, Halp me”, they scream. I didn’t think I was in the mental ward but who knows.

The guy in the bed next to me asks for cotton buds to shove into his ears, I think I snore too loud.

The next morning my bottle of blood is removed. The nurse tells me to hold my breath, I find this a good idea as she rips the blood tube out of my stomach cavity.
The feeling is the opposite of being stabbed. Im very glad the nurse told me to hold my breath because I know if I didn’t that there would have been a slew of curses coming from my mouth.

This surgery was to remove my gall stones, the rocks are finally out and now I can eat cheese without worry.

Lesson learned: B.Y.O Cotton buds

Let the bodies hit the floor

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