The Final 5

If you had been paying attention to previous threads you may have noticed Cookie and I entered an Idol competition, well, I hate to say it but Cookie made it into the final 5 meaning I was left in the dust.

Cookie - From a distance

It’s quite a shame though as I was prepared to scream out my lungs, I was thinking “Panic at the Disco” or possibly something from my Disney’s greatest hit album

Rice the Ripper

I wont mention the company I work for right now, im helpdesk staff, which means I fix computer problems that users cause, my job is not to educate the masses on how to right-click.

I’ll call the company “The Hardy Boys”

The day at Hardys was the same as every other day, well, it was not the same because it was night and im stuck on night shift for a while.

Anyway, some management brainic decided to replace the kitchen floor with budget grey linoleum at the same time my shift started. Thus giving me 4hrs of industrial strength glue, glue vapour was making us as high as kites.

Watch this first before reading on
Charlie the Unicorn

In between answering the phones as “Candy Mountain” helpdesk and waiting for the glue high to wear off I managed to get some air, since I quit smoking I spend my breaks outside watching Sue, a female work college of mine suck down those sweet sweet cancer sticks.

The unthinkable happened as I came back inside, I jumped over a clean part of floor the cleaner had just mopped, landed and rip the middle of my pants, I had a huge hole down the middle.

Sue was on the floor laughing, bum crack showing and giggling like a school girl. I had other problems, taking a jumper and adding some ninja folds I had made myself a reasonable kilt.

As you may already know the ripping of the jokes begin, poor choice of words.

I then threaten them with the “sugar in the gas tank” trick, not the greatest of moments but I think I should carry some extra cloths around from now on.

Lesson learned, don’t jump over clean floors, let the cleaner do his thing.

Instructions for breathing cont…

Here’s a quote from a friend from Devils ISP

“Do you know how to breathe?
Open your mouth and suck”

Id like to add “don’t use your teeth”, that might be going too far.

Further discussion about stupid people occurred with wifey.

Wifey is a cook at KFC, she told me she was stressed from work.
Puzzlement spread over my face wondering what she could be stressed about, thoughts of chickens escaping and wifey chasing them down with a butcher knife appeared, so I asked:

“What could you be stressed about, you are in the back sticking chicken bits into a pressure cooker, did you find a beak?

I had to deal with the general public working at Devils ISP, now that’s stress”

I was then given a dirty look.

Cookie: “you think I don’t deal with the general public?”

*Wifey/Cookie has no idea what I do at work, she herself is what I like to call the ultimate customer, I introduced her to a computer 3years ago, the most she has ever managed is to point, click and play solitaire.

I abandoned the Cookie reconditioning project 6months ago and taught her how to use the Xbox instead. She passed with flying colours, thank you Microsoft.*

Cookie sometimes works at the front counter packing dead or dying chicken into boxes.

“Let me give you an example of one of my customers at your shop, Hun”:

KFC: How can I help you today, sir?
Cust: I don’t know you tell me, you’re the chicken expert
KFC: ummmm, then menu is up there sir, please take your time
Cust: I’m not chicken illiterate alright, why are you pressuring me?
KFC: huh?
Cust: I want to speak to your manager, your not trying to help me

Manager: Trainee, I see you from your lack of training that you aren’t prepared to deal with customers, you’re fired.
Sir thank you for choosing KFC, since I am management I clearly need to kiss your butt, even though we all know you’re an pompous ass, feel free to walk all over my staff members in your idiotic rampage buying chicken.

Example 2:

Cust: Id like a zinger burger, but can you make it with beef
KFC: No, sir, we only sell chicken products here
Cust: You better make me a zinger burger with beef, im a customer I pay good money for your services dammit. Help me or ill take my $2.95 elsewhere.

In conclusion I would like to point out that if I worked at KFC and customers such as these showed up at my front counter, I would strangle them till their lifeless bodies hit the floor, thus making me unemployed or possibly serving a life sentence in jail.

Lesson learned, demands and customer service don’t mix.

Instructions for breathing…

The main problem working for Devils ISP is that we as tech support are dependant on the customer, completely dependant.

We need the customer to click on things, to tell us what’s on the screen; sometimes the customer is as dumb as door knob, often requiring instructions to breath.

We cannot rip the mouse from their bloodied beaten corpse and configure the computer for them. Why? Cause we are phone support.

Now, some people are rather sympathetic of the customer, wondering why we treat them worst than doggie doo. Why can’t I be patient? Why the customer doesn’t come first?

Why? Why? Why?

I’m almost shedding a tear for that old man in the wheel chair who’s blind, deaf and dumb, lost an arm in WW2 and is on the pension.

Muahahahahaha

Cry me a river. You joined the wrong ISP old man

Question is:

Why employees of Devils ISP are are statistically more likely to go “postal” than a postman?

Because no matter what we do, it is never enough for our customers, we could come over to their house and clean their shoes for them and the remark would be “is that it?”

Then come the idiots, as employees we sometimes wonder how out customers survived thru adulthood or quite frankly how they even got dressed in the morning as the common sense seemed to never exist when we speak to them.

I’m not talking about customers being computer literate; i'm talking about asking the customer what colour the sky is,

Cust: “umm I don’t quite understand what you’re asking me”
Me: “What colour is the m***er f***ing sky, B****ch?”

Let me give you a real world example:

Cust: I need help configuring my email address in Outlook
Me: What’s your email address?
Cust: john.smith@devilsisp.com.au
*directs customer thru setup*
Me: So where it says “email address” type in your email address
Cust: what do you mean?
Me: Your email address….the one we have been working on for the last 20min
Cust: I’m not computer illiterate, alright!!!
Me: …you think about what we have been doing for 20min then call back , okays…

Again the sympathisers appear and ask “why can’t you be patient?”

Well, when the question is “Do you have a PC or a MAC” and the answer is “Banana” then there are no rules and the customer has just forfeited their power of attorney.

Lesson learned, Never mess with tech support