Tech Support Quotes

Shredder:
"To many PC-illiterate users, you (as the builder and/or free tech support) are like the god of the computer, as in, everything that ever happens to the PC for it's entire life will be your doing or your responsibility. So you need to pick your jobs wisely, or make it VERY clear at the time exactly what you are and aren't covering.

For many users the best advice you can never give them is to carefully pack their computer up in it's original packaging, throw it in the trash, and never go near a computer again."

GreenBeret:
"Give a man a fish, and he'll be ringing you every night for more fish.

Teach a man to fish, he doesn't really want to learn but pretend to take notes, and will be ringing you every night about how your instructions don't work and he still needs help."

Ice Ice Baby

So…How bout them Nicks?

OK, I’m complaining about the weather again, the 4am wakeup calls don’t really bother me, it’s the fact that when I wakeup there is smoke coming out of my mouth and nose, Very Amityville Horror-ish.

I lost 2 Sherpa’s on the way to work and there was ice on my windshield, ICE!!!, can you believe it?

I live in Sydney, not the Himalayas.

Lucky for me the 5 layers of clothing I’m wearing and my Bigfoot-like exterior have protected me from Antarctic weather.

Lesson Learned, Onions have layers, Rice_Boy has layers

Wok Star

Ok, so the “never sing again” part was a little exaggeration…..

…..ok, fine, it was a BIG exaggeration.


You can’t really blame me for singing so badly. So without further ado:

Presenting Rice_Boys Greated Hits

Rice_Boy - Elton John-Your Song
Rice_Boy - Your Song

My Wifey Cookie with Amazing Grace

Cookie - Amazing Grace

And of course the much contested Duet, Whole New World

Rice_And_Cookie - A Whole New World

Apologies for not being a complete song as me and Cookie were not in the same room when we recorded
I used Audacity for these babies, in fact i think you might be able to hear me breathing, so bloody sound sensative

yeah its ment to say greated hits, get it, greated.
My God, what have i done

Caffeine Of The Damned Cont.

I drank the hobo coco at around 7pm, I was buzzing till about 4am, in the mean time while I had plenty of free time I decided to enter an “Idol” competition I came across.

Here’s the problem, im no Backstreet Boy, so I decided to do the deed in Mandarin, Chinese language of choice, I don’t actually speak Mandarin so I had to do the song phonetically.

After listening to the song I recorded I can honestly say, I can’t sing, im pretty sure im tone deaf, cause the song I sang was so off key I scared even myself.

The recording will never see the light of day and I vow to never ever sing again.

Lesson learned, never sing again.

*Foot Note

The song I sang was Jonny Blu’s version of Miracles happen, (you know that Princess Diaries 2 song, he was in the movie dammit) anyway I just realised that when I speak another language the octaves in my voice change, e.g. I go from Frank Sinatra to Michael Jackson.

“Can I come down there and sing to you”

It may have something to do with the microphone, I don’t know.

Ah hem, excuse me now as I serenade Wifey, “Your body is a wonderland…………….”

Caffeine Of The Damned

So ive been stuck on night shift, what is there to do on night shift besides writing blogs?

Coffee, that’s what!.

There is this new machine next door that dispenses free liquids, I shall list them:

Chicken Soup:
Hot water, chicken stock and salt.
Tastes like salt water with chicken fat

Hot Chocolate:
What can I say, it’s brilliant, everyone thinks so, that’s why all the chocolate ran out in the first hour and all we ended up with was hot water, sugar and milk

Cappuccino:
I filled a big mug with 3 cups of this stuff, so cappuccinos x3, with 9 packets of sugar.
Now I have a headache, my stomach hurts and im on a caffeine/sugar high.

There’s some other crap like coffee but since the cappuccinos im staying away from caffeine all together, im probably going to stay up all night from this.

Im dying man.

Lesson learned, don’t drink chicken soup and then cappuccinos.

The Won Tons of Doom

The day started off grand, sunny skies, chilly winter weather, 6am on my day off and I was happy, very unusual. I hopped on the train to meet a friend; it was to a place I had never been to before.

First thing I saw when I got off the train were bogans, not 1 or 2, but dozens of them, of every race, gender and age, it was like a Casey Chambers concert.

Then the fights began, not 5min into arriving the bogans pounced on each other, civil war began (The Brown Coats Vs The Brown Coats), scenes reminiscent of “Bum Fights” appeared in front of me, WWF smack down, Shazza Vs Dazza.

What was the fight about?
Drugs of course

So I hereby rename this place, Cracktown

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I met up with my friend and told him my plan, making Won Tons, being the asian half of my relationship I have a duty to my people to make asian food, therefore since im not speaking to my mother any more (ill cover this one in a later blog), I had to get my wonton recipe off of google.

My buddy goes: “Won Tons are the easiest thing you can make, you can’t go wrong”.
Apparently I am soon to find out that I CAN go wrong

First things first, the Mrs and I leave the house only to remember 2hrs later that I forgot the recipe list at home, my short term memory is as reliable as a goldfish. So I go to the asian groceries and guess what I need. I get everything including eye-of-newt.

Next on the agenda is a blender, I don’t own one, the Lebanese sales man tries to give me a “good deal” on a blender, I promptly refuse and explain:

“Listen buddy, im only gonna use this thing once, so im not gonna pay a lot for it”

“OK Mate, $40”, I start walking out the door, “fine, $35”

“OK” I say, “wrap it up”

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At home, I place the chopped up pork in to the blender as instructed by the recipe, blender blades whirring away and within 30secs smoke starts bellowing out the bottom of the machine. Hmmm that’s peculiar.

I ask she who knows all about white goods, “ahhh is this normal”
She who now laughs at me said the blender would not handle this pork.

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We return the blender and get it replaced, this time my wifeys cousin comes over,
Cousin grinds the blender into mush, totally ignoring the smoke coming out until the motor just gives out.

I have just enough pork mush to make some wontons, after boiling them for 30min, the yellow parcels look good enough to eat, they are how ever wontons from hell, I had put too much ginger in, where it had said teaspoon I put in tablespoon, making ginger balls,
I wished for death after eating them.

Lesson to be learned, eye of newt is tastier than ginger.

Fire Me Please

For starters I wish I had started writing a blog when I was working at “Devils ISP” (not the real name, I just don’t want to get sued), but of course the proxy prevented me from getting very far, oh the stories I could tell.

I worked at the internet helpdesk serving the general public, served is the correct term because the general public think we are slaves catering for their every need.

“Yes Master”

You can imagine us as slaves of Egypt, thousands of us working towards one goal of building great monuments for Pharaohs, and when you were burnt out, you were discarded like a pair of skid marked underpants.

This was not my Destiny. Rice will not stand for working at the Devils feet; Rice will rise up and do what any good employee would do….

…get fired…preferably with a BANG!!!.

So the plan, 18 months worth of planning, was to drive my boss slowly to the brink of insanity, having 5 different bosses didn’t help, it just required more effort and lateral thinking.

1. Get as many complaints from customers as possible, to hell with customer service; if I wanted to help people I would have joined Green Peace.
I AM YOUR MANAGER!!!

2. Tell boss politely to get stuffed.

3. Disregard any advice from upper management (including washing hands after going to bathroom).

4. Get the Gay people to claim Heterophobia.

5. Constantly complain about everything, its too hot, its too cold, its too warm, too much light, too little light, there’s just enough light but that’s against my religion.

6. Destroy company services and equipment

Unfortunately I didn’t get fired after 18 months of this; I did however create the legend of John Smith.

I was the infamous John Smith, when fear strikes the heart of a customer, where support staff provides no support what-so-ever, where complaints reach deaf ears… John Smith was there….

Quit Smoking Campaign

So it’s been about 3 weeks now since I’ve had a cigarette, I mostly smoked out of boredom and stress. But since I got a new job where the stress is less, all I have to deal with now is the boredom.

So, the cravings started creeping as I wait at the train station, I’ve eaten a whole pack of chewing gum, and I would kill every Bogan at this train station right now for a cigarette.
Thankfully the train arrives.

One Saturday night I visit the local McDonalds with a few friends, Bob offers me a cigarette, I say “no, I just quit”….. grrrrr. 30min later Bob offers me another cigarette, now here’s where the nicotine rage comes in, I grabbed Bob by the collar and lift him up into the air, look him dead in the eyes:

“If you offer me another cigarette I’m gonna dig your heart out with a table spoon, you got me!!!”

The message got across to the others pretty quickly and the night remained nicotine free.

Score 1 for Rice

My super powers of Unlimited Strength seem to activate when I’m offered “Death Sticks”, very much like The Hulk, I have the power of Nicotine Rage.

RICE MAD, ARGGGGGGGGGG