Last week on Riceville

A statistical report I read recently said that on average a single person will spend $800 on Christmas presents. Ive spent more than that this Christmas alone, Cookie will often say “The presence of your company is the only present I need”, she didn’t say no to the Rockford Fosgate headunit I got for the car that’s for sure.

I did get her a ring but more on that in a future post.

Time to count the ways.

Cookie - Rockford Fosgate RFX9210, $250 + 2 weeks of pain and misery when Mousie and I blew up the fuses in the car.

Mousie – Gift Voucher, Handcuffs and Bunny suit, $180

Deb – James Patterson’s Cross, $15

Ali – Britney Spears skank perfume, $50

Spanya – Gift Voucher, $50

Rice – Cordless drill with no drill bits, Cheap USB speakers, Dlink router, Surfboard SB5100i Cable modem, Gran Turismo 4 and a powered USB hub, $150. + Undelivered secret Santa present. Cheap and used, just the way I like them.

All in all, I think ive treated myself very well this year, leaving Deviltech was the greatest present of all.

Ive also received my first Christmas gift in 22 years, a bottle of Sambuca with shot glasses, too bad I don’t drink but it’s the thought that counts.

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The little boy who cried TRAIN!!!!!

On my way home on the train the train announcer awakens me from my slumber, 10pm,

“Attention passengers, there has been a fatality at the next station, please get off the train in the dark neighbourhood and fend for yourselves. Thank you for travelling City-rail”

Fook, I wait for Cookie to come get me, mean while a very daring Bogan woman stops cars in the middle of the street hoping to go south due to our “train delay”, I hop in the car as soon as Cookie arrives only for the Bogan woman to press her face against the glass screaming “Going south!!!!!!!”, To which I reply, “Noooooooooooooooooooo, were not going your direction”.

She’s gives my something like an attempt at big puppy dog eyes and says “pleaseeeeee”

My heart went out to her, so I turned to Cookie and said “Drive, drive, get the hell out of here”

I find out later that a New Zealander has been hit by a train, how the hell do you get hit by a train unless you do it on purpose. The next day a see this huge memorial of flowers and messages from where he was killed, what annoys me most is that this guy either killed himself or was playing on the tracks, either way he gets no sympathy from me.

Yeah, im a heartless bastard.

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Drifto Bogan

Twas the night before Sunday, Rice was asleep,

There was an awful ruckus outside on the street.

Screeetch, BOOM, crash.

What the f**k was that?

A stolen Commodore had hit a Rav,

That’s what I heard; Cookie was too busy watching that damn Cameron Dias “Holiday” movie, I woke up, WTF was that?

I get up and do my CSI profiler thing, some Bogans had stolen a Commodore, drifted it around my crescent and slammed into the car next door, then proceeded to drive up the street, crash and then run.

Im very lucky that they didn’t hit my car as the racing line that I see as im on the road takes them directly into my car. The neighbours’ car was less fortunate, the Bogans slammed into their rear tire and crush it into the gutter, and surprisingly the neighbours’ car had no body damage.

Lesson learned, "Shazzah, Turn right to go left"

Fly Monkeys, Fly

My work experience boys have come and gone, I wish I could say their time here was well spent but it wasn’t, my old TAFE teacher sent me a whining mummy’s boy and a sleeper cell Alkida terrorist. Im hoping he sends me some suicide girls next time as this place is a real boys club.

Anyway, I was asked to do a supervisor review for them, which I will paste shortly. My boss read my reviews, his face twisted as if I asked him if I could milk a pigeon, to which he proceeded to re-write my review, I can honestly say that my writing is a blunt axe and my bosses is like a surgical scalpel, his review was nice, too nice, like wiping your ass with silk.

Now on with the show.

Has-bin ladin

Has-bin ladin has shown that he has the ability to work in a team and has the customer service skill to work at a helpdesk, but also appears to be introverted.

Has-bin ladin follows instructions very well, whether written or spoken instructions, he is quiet, very quiet. Has-bin ladin is polite and courteous to those he has already met; he seems to have trouble talking to strangers

Has-bin ladin has shown that he can work independently and as a team with his TAFE partner Mummy’s boy. His work ethic is commendable, with an attitude that is thorough.

Punctually was of small concern, Has-bin ladin showed up on time for the majority of work placement, he and Mummy’s boy would show up early but would also ask to leave early, sometimes leaving midway through a task.

Has-bin ladin showed initiative when I was present but none at any other time; Has-bin ladin was a potential helpdesk candidate for employment, his only downfall being his lack of communication, He cannot function/work with strangers if he cannot speak to them.

*This is not in the review but ill add it anyway*

Has-bin ladin has been profiled by our resident psychologist and what was found was rather disturbing, his deep seeded desires were revealed to us early on and we would like to wish him good luck in his dream of opening a phone shop in Bankstown and selling over priced accessories. Wulla bro, I swear.

Mummy’s boy

Mummy’s boy ability to work cooperatively with teams members was rather lacking, he only worked with his TAFE partner Has-bin ladin and was afraid to speak to anybody else. Mummy’s boy interaction with the helpdesk only ever occurred when forced by my instruction.

His listening skills need improvement as verbal instructions had the opposite outcome as what was intended. His work ethic was non existent, showing up late from time to time, not showing up when scheduled and conveniently calling in sick when Has-bin ladin could not come to work.

Mummy’s boy also had a habit of complaining about anything and everything; he twice threw a hissy fit and made me aware of “face” and Asian pride.

Over all Mummy’s boys attitude during work placement was that of complete disinterest.

Lack of confidence when dealing with the unknown is also his biggest downfall, I believe this is due to Mummy’s boys immaturity as a person and not his age, we would recommend that Mummy’s boy start in a junior helpdesk position, build on his life skills and possibly join a mentoring program.

Further to this, our resident psychological profiler told us Mummy’s boy seems to have no direction in life; he desires to obtain a job from work experience yet shows no desire to actually get the job.

Mummy’s boys technical ability is very high and has shown that he can learn quickly. His mastery of our in-house software was a surprise.

Our concern was that he has the technical ability but not the skill to put them to use. “Put the power to the ground” so to speak.

Mummy’s boys technical ability only proves that he can assemble machines on a production line at Dell, he requires more than diplomas and knowledge.

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So there we have it, I would not hire these boys to clean my shoes.

Lesson learned, never try and you wont fail.